Barber Jokes

In keeping with the tradition of barbershop humour, some of the following jokes and stories may be politically incorrect. If you are likely to be offended by such material please do not read any further, as complaints may not be taken seriously.

1) A man walked into a barbershop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The man said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."

The man said, "Tell him you're working overtime, and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him. He's the one shaving you."

2) A man sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."

The man leaves.

A few days later the same man sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The man leaves.

A week later the same man sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The man leaves.

The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Jim. Follow that bloke and see where he goes."

A little while later, Jim comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Jim, where did he go when he left here?"

Jim looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

3) A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.

"I'm going to buy a new pair of deck shoes before the race tomorrow," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're going to get a free haircut!'"

4) A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"

5) Two gentlemen riding on a country road ran over a poor little rabbit. They stopped and the driver went over and patted the rabbit on its head.

The bunny jumped up and ran off, and the surprised passenger exclaimed, “How did you do that?!”

“I'm a barber. I just used hare restorer.”

6) A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, dirty and full of tourists. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, what are you doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Well, good luck on this awful trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a €25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the penthouse suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

"He said, 'Where did you get that awful haircut?'"

7) After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small sea-side town decided he had had enough. He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him each day. He put on his hat and coat and went to the barber shop which was owned by the preacher of the local baptist church.

The barber's wife, Grace, was working, so she performed the task. Grace shaved him and put some aftershave on him and said, "That will be £30." The man thought the price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and went to work.

The next morning the man looked in the mirror, and his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before. Not bad, he thought. At least I don't need to get a shave every day. The next morning, the man's face was still smooth. Two weeks later, the man was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face.

It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barber shop. "I thought £30 was high for a shave", he told the barber's wife, "but you must have done a great job. It's been two weeks and my whiskers still haven't started growing back." The expression on her face didn't even change, expecting his comment. She responded, "You were shaved by Grace. Once shaved, always shaved."

8) An Anglican vicar went into a barbershop, had his hair cut, thanked the barber, and asked how much he owed him. The barber said, "Reverend, you're a man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house." "That's frightfully decent of you old chap," said the vicar, and left. The next day, on the doorstep of the barbershop were 12 bibles.

A few days later, an Irish priest went in for a shave and a shine, and when the time came to pay the barber said, "Father, you're a man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house." "That's very koind o' ye t' be sure," said the priest, and left. The next day, on the doorstep were 12 bottles of wine.

The following week a Church of Scotland minister came in, had his hair cut, went to pay and the barber said, "Sir, you're a man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house." "Och, that's michty braw o' ye," said the minister, "cheerio now," and left.

And the next day, on the doorstep of the barbershop were 12 Scottish ministers.